02-07-2009
Going to a town...
And if I left?
But it's not true dude, on se fait chier à Paris. It is not you that will tell me otherwise, you spend your time saying shit but what is that shit here ... You say all the time it is too cold, you want to see the world. You say Paris, it sucks looking at me straight in the eye, and I tell myself all the time it is not wrong. You say Madrid with stars in their eyes, Barcelona, Athens ...
You know this song from Rufus Wainwright, "going in a town? C'est toi qui me l'a fait découvrir you necessarily know, he sings
I'm so tired of you, America,
Making my own way home,
is not gonna be alone
I've got a life to lead ...
And then you see me take my breakfast in the sun, facing the Atlantic, but try not to imagine that two seconds. On a terrace in the sun, with the heart to slow, behind a pair of glasses Dan, on the hill where we had spent two nights out drinking, you held the m'avais bite Pissis while I, on the street, because you wanted to know what it was to piss like a guy. And then returned to the hotel we were falling on Victor, it's crazy, that thing, I was in my pants ...
And do you know Tomas will leave.
It was he who told me he said it's better for both of us. He said it's been a long time I think I've said my heart in tears, he is not listening to me, he said it's been a month that I pretend when I'm there started crying. Since he claims he did not think so, but I know he thought. It does not say that if we do not think so. I cried silently, but in the dark in the room, he heard my breathing become scrapie, and he stuck his warm body against mine, and I thought it was one of the last time he did, anyway, what we do now, I can not help thinking that this is the last time, and whenever I feel that my heart is in my chest and I told him I misunderstood. I was so wrong, dude, you know. I look at him, and I find it beautiful, talented, intelligent, touching, young and strong I think he means to save the thing, you know, I say no, we will not delete the last two years like that, with the back of the hand. We are not obliged to do that, the pull of one another because we do not live together, we never learned to do that. Because I was clumsy, and too.
I always knew he would leave, I have always said, because he was younger than me, that one day he would also need to live with insolence the short time he remained until 'at the age of reason, one that sticks to bask us, you and me. I do not know if I am ready, I do not know if in the background I thought he really would leave. Sometimes I wonder if it would be such a grandfather when both him and me.
And then I said that if one day we left, so I would very porn for so ashamed that I would go away.
You know, in bed, he sticks his body to mine, her body warm and soft, and he said I am not yet gone. it may take three months. He also will continue to be, it will be better, you see. Dînera on staying with the other, we will make all things will be better. This is where I told him I was leaving. He said where? I told Lisbon, because I passed through the head, because there was the ocean and the sun, because I speak Portuguese. But I thought a New York already. Because France, I have dinner now, because in more than ten years, I made the rounds of the guys lying around on the net that I can over the way they do, this fear idiot always go too far. And then me because I'm not going to see him like that, from time to time. He said there are couples who live like this. I said nothing.
And then New York, you know, take a part of coffee with all that Manhattan has to bobo Union Square when the weather is nice, or sunbathing topless on a pier in front of 14th street, it there's nothing to do, not even a bench to sit on the street, no terrace. Just great endless avenues that you can see almost throughout. It is a city for work, I will recover apart from Diego St Elizabeth, and I do every three months round trip JFK-CDG-JFK directly with Air France to me stamped three months longer in Big Apple. And then I would be working, or I end up in a gutter, the backside of a glory hole video paths, has sucked the cocks of guys that I ever seen. It is a dollard minute anonymous happiness with an Indian who has just badly screwed type against the door of your box when you put no money into the machine. Anyway, I never earned more than that, dude, life as a couple, I spent ten years in want, and when that happened to me, I have not been able to grow it, to draw the strength and courage. It took me two years to reduce the ten previous nothing. A wind, m'accroche the smell of skin boys who felt that it was not worth to go with me, picking up sheets wrinkle in the hair that men forget, telling me that I had something that all this had not been in vain, the condom full of spunk and the acrid smell of sweat, cups of coffee drunk and barely cigarette butts. But it's worth nothing, my dear, it's worth suck cocks through a hole barely big enough to spend the least possible affection doll has a minute of happiness in inches.
After Victor, I was already a Manhattan party. It was raining, I had an apartment in a short term rental near St. Vincent Hospital, something that cost me more than the skin of my balls, and I wrote, my old, I had never written so crustiest and rage, and I cried, what I fucking cried. This asshole is destroyed from within me, he killed me softly. And then I was returned without saying that I was gone.
Now I say. I am leaving. I am leaving because I am evil, I have exhausted all my courage, my strength, that I am unable to restart, and to pretend to believe again, not here, not in the city that stinks the slow death and the end of the illusions, not in each of the streets where I liked another boy who has not returned the courtesy, Lucas before the Pantheon, Patrick in the labyrinths of the Louvre, Marc Beaubourg, the Victor Pont des Arts, Patricio at home Aleksandre on the roof of the Samaritan woman, and all other ....
I'm tired of Paris,
I will do my own nest,
I would not be alone
I lead a life ...
And then there's this song, too, Rufus Wainwright, which is beautiful, 'Love Affair "in which he sings
So I guess that I'm going
I guess that I am walking
Where?
I do not know
Just away from this love affair
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